Last night, on my way home from dinner I heard an author on NPR say something really beautiful about grieving and losing someone. I wish I could remember his name, and I certainly can’t remember his words exactly, but I’ll do my best.

He said that maybe we aren’t meant to heal when we lose someone. When someone we aren’t supposed to lose is gone, it leaves a hole or perhaps multiple holes on our surface. These holes make us more porous – they change us. However, with these holes we have the ability to go deeper inside ourselves.

I think he is so right. To me, healing is going back to the way I was or making it as close to as it was before. I will never be the same again after losing my sister. I can’t bring a person back, and therefore I will never heal. I wouldn’t want to. While, I considered myself to be introspective before, I believe this loss has pushed me into further self investigation. When we are brave enough to go within, we learn things about ourselves that perhaps scare us. And I don’t mean scare because we are secretly serial killers at our core, but perhaps because what we discover  about ourselves means we need to make big changes to match what we find.

I have a big hole, and right now I am navigating how to stay afloat with it. This requires me to go inside and figure out what I need. More than anything I want answers and for things to be “settled”, and not to exist in this unknown place. I have to exist in this uncomfortable place for a while, until I can come out the other side, hopefully to a new light.

Until then, I am taking time for myself and figuring out what makes my heart happy.


Thank you all for your love and support and letting me share this process. I feel a little less alone that way.





3 thoughts on “Healing

  1. if you could decide to go to Al-anon and get a sponsor I really think it would help. It helps you find and accept certain principles.
    1. Admit you are powerless over some parts of life and life has become unmanageable.
    2. Come to believe that a power much greater than yourself could help you retain your sanity.
    3. Decide that you will let go of all these things and turn your WILL and your LIFE over to God.
    4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself. This is usually the most difficult step and you do need a sponsor or partner to help you. The Al-anon book gives you special questions to think about and answer to help you find your strengths and weaknes.
    For instance: Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way?
    Have I sought power from my higher poer as I take this journey?What do searching and fearless mean to me?
    What is a moral inventory? We look for our faults and our strengths. Think about the traits in others you really admire.
    How am I toleranT Am I caring to myself, the elderly, children, my family, my friends. Those in need? Am i agreeable and courteous? Do I listen an accept other viewpoints than mine. How am I trustworth? How am Ikind?
    This is just a small sample of the questions in step 4 that you are given to really think about and answer. It is not an easy journey. Amanda was doing it when she got sick . she felt this step could really help her.Its a journey . It begins the journey of trust through self knowledge of you.it is enlightning and will change how you look at life.

    JUst a thought. It could be good for you. Meetings are just an hour and they meet several days of the week.


  2. Kaitlyn….it is only when holes exist within us that the Light can shine through sometimes! Every day you are healing under God’s Light. I love you Kaitlyn….you are doing so well on this direction-less journey….by speaking out….you are healing within.


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