Last night, on my way home from dinner I heard an author on NPR say something really beautiful about grieving and losing someone. I wish I could remember his name, and I certainly can’t remember his words exactly, but I’ll do my best.
He said that maybe we aren’t meant to heal when we lose someone. When someone we aren’t supposed to lose is gone, it leaves a hole or perhaps multiple holes on our surface. These holes make us more porous – they change us. However, with these holes we have the ability to go deeper inside ourselves.
I think he is so right. To me, healing is going back to the way I was or making it as close to as it was before. I will never be the same again after losing my sister. I can’t bring a person back, and therefore I will never heal. I wouldn’t want to. While, I considered myself to be introspective before, I believe this loss has pushed me into further self investigation. When we are brave enough to go within, we learn things about ourselves that perhaps scare us. And I don’t mean scare because we are secretly serial killers at our core, but perhaps because what we discover about ourselves means we need to make big changes to match what we find.
I have a big hole, and right now I am navigating how to stay afloat with it. This requires me to go inside and figure out what I need. More than anything I want answers and for things to be “settled”, and not to exist in this unknown place. I have to exist in this uncomfortable place for a while, until I can come out the other side, hopefully to a new light.
Until then, I am taking time for myself and figuring out what makes my heart happy.
Thank you all for your love and support and letting me share this process. I feel a little less alone that way.